Maybe I’ll post this. Maybe I won’t. I have attempted to begin writing tonight’s blog with three different starts, but ultimately would have had the same outcome. So I think. Well, I couldn’t bring myself to continue typing it because again…my mind jumbles and I’m feeling some kind of way right now so I erased it all. This fourth attempt is my way of free-styling within the actual site and not on Microsoft Word perhaps giving me more motivation to publish the post.
I have entitled this post “Diary Entry” mainly because I did not have a topic in mind, it’s a way to letting you all more in my world, and an alternative to writing in my physical diary. It’s quite overwhelming that I’ve chosen to go this route, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway. So if I were to write in my journal tonight this is what it would possibly (more than likely) say:
7:30am service! Who would have thought that I’d ever go to church that early?! Once I’m UP in the morning I don’t mind being up so early and being “busy”. The gift I received was the beautiful sunshine and morning dew. It felt so great to drive to church and worship You (God, by the way) while listening to William McDowell. I have had his cd on repeat for a few days and as a matter of fact I’m listening to it now. “There is freedom in the presence of the Lord”…I know this and I wish I could remain in that place all of the time. I also know that it’s available to me and it’s up to me to foster that atmosphere and relationship with You. When I read Your Word and listen to songs that describe how I feel I am floored at how much I really do love You and I get upset that I’m not as intentional about my pursuit of You. You know how it is with me: I’ll read and read because I’m growing closer to You and am in complete awe and/or You’ll bring a scripture to my mind and I get so excited, but that momentum slows down. I hate that with a passion! As I type this I am falling more in love with You. It’s as if You’re smiling at me saying, “She’s getting it. Yes!”. Laugh out loud! I’m so serious. This week has been one of the more frustrating weeks for me here in Jackson that wasn’t work related. I’m not sure what happened, but this weekend I know that I needed You. However, I don’t feel like I pressed hard enough. It could just be all in my mind. ASK. Ask. Seek. Knock. You know my heart’s desires and my needs but that doesn’t stop or hinder me from asking You. My asking You shows my dependence on You and Your Lordship over my life. Well, I think I need a new heart. It’s been working overtime lately and recently my chest felt like it was about to cave in. Yes, physically it’s fine, but it is all battered and bruised emotionally. Seriously, when I couldn’t breathe regularly my heart felt like it had shrunk and was being twisted.
Enough about that. Triple J Judy was baptized today (Judy is one of my 2nd grade students here) and I stayed for the entire service. I’m so glad that I did. I just knew You had a Word for me there. I cannot have amnesia. How I’m feeling right now isn’t new to me and You have brought me out of it before so it’s not like You won’t do it again. I laughed once I realized where the message was going because I am guilty of forgetting Your past victories. There is nothing too small or too big for You and You are concerned about it all when it comes to me. Thank You! It’s crazy that I put all of this heavy weight (burdens) on myself and don’t bring situations to You before they get to that point. When will I ever learn? Pastor Wicks asked today, “What more must God do to convince us that He is God?” That’s an interesting question. I have this attitude that You can do anything, but as soon as it comes time for me to put my faith into action it’s as if I’m saying, “I know God can do it…for others”. What kind of mess is that? Daily I say I surrender my heart, my thoughts, my desires, my day to You and now I’m wondering if I really do. Do I trust You? That’s what it comes down to, honestly. I do trust You. I believe the issue is that I don’t really know how to fully surrender. There has been a full out battle in my mind this week and if I can’t surrender that I NEED You to TAKE it. Teach me how to lay it all down at Your throne and not pick it back up. My confidence and worth has been nagging me and from Your Word I am building myself up. How did I get to this place? Disobedience…this I know. Well, I have a long day ahead, I have a headache, I’m hungry, and I’m sleepy so I’m about to wrap this up. I really do love You God and I’m so thankful that You love me, too.
Your Princess K