As I write this, my 21-day fast is on Day 20. This transition from Jackson to Nashville has not been the easiest. Really, what was I expecting? I’m still searching for a full-time job/career. I do not know how long I will be in Nashville, but if it’s going to be for a couple of years I’d like to establish some roots with an organization full-time. I did, however, get a PRN position at an organization that I was with for over 3 years prior to my departure for Jackson. I have applied for jobs that I’m really interested in and whose requirements I meet, but for whatever reason I have yet to receive any feedback. My thinking is, “Maybe that’s not where God wants me to be”. Of course, the enemy has come in to cloud my thinking and I found myself with the thought, “I’ll never get a job that I want and no one is going to hire me for something that I may be “over-qualified”. Bummer! I had been super busy for no reason and limited my time with God and that gave the enemy even more room to mess me up.
A few weeks ago I felt something was wrong with me, but couldn’t figure it out. I finally realized that I was depressed and none of my prayers were shaking it. I had internalized my prayers and although I had faith that God could do something about it, my faith was so small because of everything that was going on around me. Yes, I know that the Word (Holy Bible) says that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed that is good enough. But for me, that isn’t and wasn’t good enough. I had to erase worry and doubt from the picture and couldn’t release them on my own. I cried out to Jesus like never before regurgitating scriptures that I didn’t know was hidden in my heart.
(Now all writing after this takes place on Sunday, March 02, 2014)
I haven’t come back to my writing of this blog in over a week. I can’t say that I have been busy because I’m still in Kuwait. The truth is, I haven’t thought about it. Lately I’ve been writing more in my journal. Good times! Well, not everything that I have written has been good. I mean good in a therapeutic way. Writing is a way of release for me and a very helpful one. As I write I’m able to think through my floating thoughts and sometimes have revelations. So, I’m rambling right now. I have so much that I want to type about right now. As I type this I’m listening to a mixture of Gospel, Christian Rap, and Contemporary Christian. The window is open and the curtains are pulled up allowing me to see just a hint of the sun’s reflection on the villa across the way and also feel God’s gentle touch through the cool breeze. It’s beautiful. I have only a few days remaining on this vacation and I intend to soak in every last second of it. A wise person said to me recently, “KaSteesha, enjoy this season of rest. You won’t get too many of these”. I believe that. Furthermore, this person encouraged me to reflect on this past season of my life and seek out what I learned besides the surface level things. I shared what I was told with a dear friend of mine, but replaced “season” with “time” by mistake. When I corrected myself and suggested that season seemed better she had another perspective regarding time. She liked time because she quotes, “Until you value your time you won’t do anything with it.” That was a good take on it because time is something that you cannot get back and once you know and understand that you will begin to value the time that you do have.
Proverbs 1:5 (NIV)- “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance…”
Now, about the opening of this entry. I attended Fellowship of Christian Athletes College Advance on the evening that I was attacked full on. I had already confirmed that I would attend as an Adult Volunteer (I graduated college in 2011, but I still went in 2012 as a camper. Now that I’m 2.5 years removed I figured it was time to step it up. This go around was my fourth time going if I’m not mistaken. I attended with the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, Middle Tennessee State University, and Tennessee State University. This last time I was with TSU, again). I read over the e-mail I received, again, regarding the weekend’s advance to confirm that my “no-show” status meant that I would have to pay. That was too much for me to handle. I was already down about having my student loan request denied and I didn’t have a secured job to pay what was required. It was hit after hit after hit all morning, literally, and I knew that after returning from camp I wouldn’t have much time to pack for my trip to the Middle East that I would be embarking on the following Monday afternoon. Pure madness! After crying out to God and hearing Him speak to me oh so lovingly through songs, I was ready for the weekend because I just KNEW that there was something waiting for me on the plateau in Crossville, TN. Every time that I have attended College Advance has been marvelous and awe-inspiring especially being surrounded by peers who aren’t afraid to praise and worship God and share His goodness. And of course there are always dynamic speakers and worship leaders. I was expecting this weekend to be no different than what I was accustomed to: God showing up and showing out in a mighty way. When I made it on the bus to depart TSU for camp I knew I wasn’t the same. I was very quiet and reserved, but for me it was intentional. I did not want to do too much talking that weekend because I had done enough of it already. And as I stated, in the past I was a camper so I was used to jumping all around and chanting, but this time I wasn’t there as a camper so I wanted a different approach. I was ready to hear God. I fooled myself…… I was not myself at all. I was sitting when normally I’d be standing. My all over the place chanting was limited to moving my feet near my seat, barely clapping my hands, and reciting them at a lower, less enthused level. When a few people that I’ve known for years asked how I had been doing I was honest in my response. I don’t think they caught onto it at first; it was in a very casual manner because at the time I thought I was in the clear. Well, to make a lengthy story not so lengthy I’ll just say this….God used people that have been in my life for 12.5 years, 7.5 years, and 5.5 years to minister to me directly through Him. It was a humbling, remarkable experience. The night of February 8, 2014 that stronghold no longer had me bound. I was me again. So much so that I went crowd surfing as I had done the previous time I attended. I’m even smiling as I type this right now because nothing can replace the feeling that I had once I surrendered everything to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that weekend.
Our own thoughts and concerns can have us in captivity and before we realize it the enemy is having a day at the ball park with us. This should not be. We have to take charge of these thoughts so we won’t be in bondage. Furthermore, I quote Philippians 4:6-7 OFTEN, yet I wasn’t doing what I was speaking. My anxiousness fueled my thoughts. Look at me, I share with others that worry and faith together cancel each other out, but this time around I obviously was clouded.
1 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV): We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”.
Write you later!